Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike does not believe this
Fri Oct 06, 2006 at 01:58:37 am EDT
Subject
DAMMIT!
Originally
Vaudeville Only Wishes It Was Dead: a quick tie-in to the adventures of Dancer.
In Reply To

Visionary
Fri Oct 06, 2006 at 01:21:26 am EDT
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A Hard Act to Follow: A Dancer #36 Tie-in



“I have an act,” Mr. Epitome told Dancer, “For your fundraiser.”

The Heroine of Happenstance put aside her magazine and gave the man in the Army regulation crew cut her full attention, “Really? This is a surprise: I figured I would have to track you down and wheedle a performance out of you, Dominic, but here you are coming to me.”

“Yes, well, you had figured wrong.”

“Mmhmm. So, I can thank Kat for doing my dirty work for me, then?” Dancer inquired with a smile.

“No. I’m doing this fully of my own volition,” the Paragon of Power claimed. The ruck sack he had slung over his shoulder was placed on the counter so he could withdraw its contents.

Dancer was a bit stunned by what her teammate showed her, “Wait, that’s-“

“This,” Epitome interrupted as he set the wooden figure on his forearm, “is Captain Cap.”

‘Captain Cap’ was very much in the design of the traditional ventriloquist’s dummy, hand carved and with a lacquered finish. It was dressed in a blue shirt with a yellow square emblazoned on the chest, and a red cape. A miniature Montreal Expos baseball hat adorned its tow head.

Dancer looked skeptical, “Dominic, he’s, er, is ‘Captain Cap’ something that you had lying around and are now just sharing with us?”

“No. I made him this morning. It was quite simple, really. Twenty minutes in the Lair Legion Wood Shop. Well, waiting for the varnish to dry took significantly longer, but I wanted it to appear that it was a professional job.”

“He looks great, right down to the dimpled chin,” Sarah Shepherdson had to admit, “So, you can throw your voice?”

The Man of Might nodded, “My powers give me total control of my vocal cords. With this ability I’ve been able to teach myself ventriloquism and mimicry. May I demonstrate?”

“Consider this your audition.”

Dominic cleared his throat. A moment later ‘Captain Cap’s' eyes fluttered open and focused on the limber young woman sitting on the couch as an audience, “Good morning, Ma’am. I hope this unseasonably warm autumn weather is bearable for you.”

“Wow. You even got the voice right.”

“Why, thank you, Ma’am. I find the Canadian accent to be very neutral and non-threatening as well.”

“Why don’t you tell Dancer a joke, Captain?” Epitome asked the Wooden Wonder.

“A joke? That might not be such a good idea... I don’t want it to appear that I’m putting on airs.”

“Just one.”

“Very well,” Captain Cap doffed his namesake and scratched his bald scalp in contemplation, “Here we go: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?”

“I don’t know, Captain, how many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?” the Star Spangled Splendor asked.

“None. Canadians don’t change light bulbs, we accept them as they are. Heh heh. Oh, please forgive my laughter. That was quite bigheaded of me.”

“Hmm,” Sarah considered, “I don’t know if we want to go with, ah, regional humor, Mr. Epitome.”

“Captain Cap,” the mannequin corrected.

“Riiight. What else do you two got?”

“Well, we could preview the big finale, where I lead the audience in a rendition of Alouette while Mr. Clancy eats an entire box of donuts.”

“No need,” for several moments Dancer was silent. Then she grinned, “I’m sold.”

“What?” Dominic’s eyes seemed to grow as large as those belonging to the doll he created, “You can’t be serious.”

“I sure am! I think your act has just the kind of kitschy, retro charm this benefit needs. It’s almost, no, it is a tribute to the Paradopolis Variety Theater’s vaudevillian roots,” Dancer sprung up from the couch and pumped the dummy’s limp arm in gratitude, “Thank you, Dominic.”

His bluff called, the Exemplary Man had no choice but to fold, “Don’t mention it,” he grumbled.







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